Dissociative Identity, Limitations & Wishful Thinking

It’s easy to wish things were different.

Right now I’m wishing. Or Lucy’s wishing. Or someone is. That our mental health had started rising sooner. That we were more stable. That we’d been more cooperative sooner. That there wasn’t so much big head work still to do. That we’d decided that becoming active for good things sooner. And Lucy really wishes – her wishing is affecting me lots – that we could have been on a bus to London today to be involved with the Extinction Rebellion actions in London.

But there’s no point wishing. Things are as they are and they are very different to not long ago when I post posting with total honesty “I need some support or I’m probably dead” messages. It was pretty awful and we were very scared. We’ve been doing what would have been totally impossible just a month ago and we should focus on that with gladness.

Lucy (8 year old DID alter) wants to be down in London so much this week but saying yes to that would have been stupid. She knows that, but doesn’t like it. We don’t have the stability. We don’t have a solid base. We can mood swing all the way round, which is impossible on a real playground swing. London would be a mental health shit-storm and would set us back into hell no matter how nice everyone was to us. I think both of us want to be Superwoman.

I wish good things for everyone involved in the London actions in whatever way – from doing the crazy and always non-violent, arrestible things that can combine media attention with a police warning or worse, to creative awesomeness, planning, cooking food, being legal observers, looking after other people, or supporting from afar. Everyone involved is just a normal person. No superpowers. Just determination, enthusiasm, more stable mental health, and often experience.

Lucy is sad. I’m trying to reassure her that we’re doing good and that there’s lots of time to be involved with things. I remind her that ten days ago we hadn’t even been to a meeting of such an environmental group since before my unfortunate religious conversion, that we’ve already met lots of people, represented Greenpeace, been surprised to hold a banner for the Green Party, and helped with making placards. I’m trying to show her that it’s not bad to not be doing everything, that nobody has to do everything and that everyone needs to look after themselves or they’ll end up of no use to anyone else.

I’m trying to explain that nobody we’ve met in XR – or Greenpeace either – would expect anyone to do anything beyond their gifts, skills, health, time, and any other factor and that if someone comes and can do a tiny thing then they’re accepted and welcomed and everyone is happy for that tiny thing and understands if that tiny thing is everything the person can offer. I’ve tried to say that it’s most important to be who we are and not be someone else. Being us is worthy enough and we cannot offer our little piece of the light if we try to live as if we held a different piece of light.

She’s not listening right now and it feels like there will be quite a few tears and possibly a “Why aren’t we in London?” meltdown. It feels like mental health shit and would be easy to confuse as such. It isn’t relapse though. Just a sad Lucy wanting to be somewhere even though we most definitely wouldn’t cope with being there. I can be pretty obsessive and focus in on an interest. She can too. That’ll be fun if we ever develop opposing interests!

There are lots of reasons why we’ll be in Newcastle this week Lucy, and there are some excellent things planned if we have the head and energy for them. She finds it hard to accept our limitations and that we can’t do everything, even if everything would mean being in four places simultaneously. I do too and I’m much older. This morning she made us change my “Clare” name badge for a “Lucy” one and make an XR name badge. And she’d have been bloody cross if I hadn’t got up and talked publicly about the week of action around here that’s coming up. Me, I’d have stayed silent. (Cue the “I Can’t Keep Silent” song in my head!) But she can be quite pushy!

She’ll cheer up again. Me, I’ve got my own limitations. I wanted to go to a dance thing this evening with a bunch of odd hippy types. But I’m physically exhausted from insomnia. So perhaps Lucy will have to talk sense into my sadness about that while I’m talking sense to her and together we can learn to live in radical acceptance of our life before others of us get too stressed about it all. I really need to begin to map this DID system sometime. It’s more than a bit confused and unknown.

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